Speaker 1 0:23

Hello and welcome to the podcast , where sometimes I don't know where that's going . It's very Michael Scott to be like I just start talking and I don't know where it's going to go . We're so glad you're here . Welcome to how to Be a Grown-Up , the how-to show for women who are either 15 minutes early or two hours late , and there is no in-between . And we say this as people who delayed our own recording session by 30 minutes today . So

Welcome to How to Be a Grown-Up

Speaker 1 0:50

, yes , yep , I'm Caitlin , and with me today co-hosting for Jenny is Ariella Monti , author of Roots in Ink and Bound by Ink , which is coming I don't know when . Do you know when it's coming ?

Speaker 2 1:05

I am shooting for January 2026 . I scheduled my copy editor for October . So , to force me into because we're talking about ADHD .

Speaker 1 1:22

Yeah , yeah .

Speaker 2 1:24

So I'm yeah , I'm doing , I'm doing a fantasy event in january and I , I want that ready for it ?

Speaker 1 1:33

oh , okay , anyway . Uh , she is a perfectly brewed latte of motivation and mischief . Oh , I like that , yeah , yeah . Last week we learned what you guys brains treat emotions like a Netflix algorithm Like , oh , you're slightly annoyed , here's 10 more hours of rage . Similar to what you , it's like my threads feed . Yeah , exactly , you like the one post . And all of a sudden , everything . Just yeah , exactly , yeah , oh , you like that one golf post . Here's a lot of content about golf . Okay , great , um , anyway , go back and listen to that episode if you haven't . But before we get to the the content for today , I want to remind you that if you like books , like you like , your soup gotta be hot .

Speaker 2 2:29

You can get .

Speaker 1 2:30

Ariella's books for 20% off using the promo code CKANDGK , and I think it's all caps on her website , ariellamontecom , which I've linked in the show notes . And who's eating soup in the summertime ?

Speaker 2 2:43

Nobody Me , I will . I would summertime , nobody me , oh I , I will . I would I actually like soup .

Speaker 1 2:47

All you didn't . It doesn't matter , I am okay . Today we are hacking the system . These are the actual tools that work to help you regulate your emotions . There's no toxic positivity here , because I hate that . This is just real life . I parented after I was overstimulated by the light switch . Noise strategies yes , so let's get to it again . Uh , lots of sources for today . Attitude mag chad , which is the children and adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder website , which is such an unfortunate I know right to chat understoodorg and the wonderful

Hacking the System: Emotional Regulation

Speaker 1 3:38

youtube channel how to adhd and us .

Speaker 1 3:42

and while I cannot physically put myself in the blog post for this episode , all the other sources myself in the blog post for this episode , all the other sources are in the blog post for this episode , so go check it out . So I'm going to start with actually a little bit of Q&A for you , ariella , because I love it . I I'm dying to know how you handle this kind of stuff . So poorly done Q& a section over uh , how do you handle your big adhd feelings without setting your entire life on fire ?

Speaker 1 4:20

therapy she's you . What you guys don't know is that she just put her entire face into the microphone and was very close as close as I am right now .

Speaker 2 4:32

Yes , but specifically , yes , so therapy as well as medication , but with therapy , dbt skills . So DBT is dialectical behavioral therapy and it's one of the modalities that my therapist is an expert in , and she taught me about TIPP skills . T-i-p-p it's temperature , intense exercise , paced breathing and progressive muscle relaxation . They were really really reaching with using TIP as an acronym , but I found so like people were always like I teach yoga . You know that . So I'm all about like breathing and mindfulness and and all that all that jazz , but when I am about to set my life on fire , there is no amount of like deep breathing , like alternate yeah , there's no amount of alternate nostril breathing .

Speaker 1 5:40

That's going to take me back from that like alternate nostril breathing yeah , I've heard of it . But also like what ?

Speaker 2 5:49

yeah I get it right . Right , I understand . Yes , so what I will do , though I have found that temperature works well for me through using these tip skills . So what I will do is , when I am about to , you know , light everything on fire or leave my family to go hide in the woods , I will grab an ice pack from the freezer and I will lock myself in the bathroom and then I will take that ice pack and I will put it like on the back of my neck or like between my shoulder blades , my shoulder blades , and that will like shock my brain out of like . It will shock my lizard brain a bit If it's winter and it's cold outside , because in North Carolina it could be , you know , 70 degrees in the middle of January , but if it's winter and it's cold outside , I will just stand outside like without a's cold outside , I will just stand outside like without a jacket or anything , and I'll just stand outside .

Speaker 2 6:53

We talked last week about how my hyper fixation is like pulling like plants out , and like you know so one of them is intense exercise , and like that doesn't work for me , like like I'm not gonna go for a run or something , but like there was one time where I decided I needed to , I needed to plant this tree , like , right then , and I had to dig a hole , and like the digging the hole was that hard , intense exercise , for sure .

Speaker 1 7:28

Yeah , that intense exercise that you know , I , I I'm coming to you from my house , so I clearly have not left my family to go live in the woods , so uh , yeah , um , I would love to add you have a resource here for dialectical behavior therapy , so I'm going to put the link for that in the blog post for this episode as well , so you guys can , yeah , okay , I have another question as a writer and I . This is I can relate to this question because I write content for my clients and critiques on your work , right as a writer , a writer , so how do you handle it ? Because RSD is real and remember for those , of us who are not aware of what RSD is .

Speaker 1 8:15

It's rejection-sensitive dysphoria . It's a you feel rejection very intensely and it becomes a they hate me , they hate my work , I suck at everything sort of shame spiral . So I'm just really curious about how you handle RSD and critiquing .

Speaker 2 8:32

So with this particular , in this particular instance , it was working in a really great newsroom as a reporter , where I was constantly having my work critiqued by some really good editors who were invested in me learning how to be a better writer who were invested in me learning how to be a better writer , so I would sit with them .

Speaker 2 9:00

It was a weekly , so after the newspaper went out , you know , the next day I would sit with our copy editor sometimes and like re-edit one of my stories . So that process , I think , taught me the difference between like true , legitimate critique from a peer and like a subjective opinion , which is what you would usually find in like a book review , which I don't read .

Speaker 2 9:33

I don't go into like Goodreads or Amazon , and I don't go looking for my reviews , because those are subjective opinions that are valid , but they're based mostly on personal preferences . They're not based in like critical thought and evidence , which is what a true critique is , and that is what I get from . That's what I get during the drafting process when I have beta readers . Those readers are going to give me that critique , those critiques that I'm going to use to make the story better . So , like in some ways ways , like the simple answer

Five Practical Tools for ADHD Emotions

Speaker 2 10:17

is to be like I don't read my reviews , I just avoid them .

Speaker 2 10:23

um , I also forget that they exist because you know , object permanence like I just kind of forget they exist , right , but um , but yeah that . And like when you're a reporter and you're coming in in the morning and like the local town nut job is screaming in your voicemail about like the story you wrote on the new light posts , like really like you know what , what can anybody tell you at that ?

Speaker 1 10:58

point . I mean , yeah , I like that separation . That's really smart . It's like I'm not going to personally be offended by someone's opinions . I'm going . I will refer to the critiques only that are actually based in logic and reasoning , whereas this is trolls or whatever . I like that , that's helpful . Yeah , definitely Something I need to start applying . I also will get like I get frustrated because I will happily make something for my client that they want . If you want this and you want that and you want it to look a certain way and you have this idea , give it all to me , I will . I will happily make that . I .

Speaker 1 11:42

my frustration really comes in with when I'm given no direction and I make something that I like and that I think works and gets the message across , and then somebody that person that I made it for comes back with 15,000 things that I need to fix or , but didn't give me anything . You know what I mean .

Speaker 2 12:01

So , um , I think that's where I struggle with the , with the critiquing versus um , yeah , you know what I mean and learned is , in like those cases , the problem is not with me , it's with the person that gave that , gave me the assignment yeah , because they did not make the assignment clear , they did not give me clear directives and or didn't give me an opportunity to ensure that I that we were on the same page and just like with . Because that's not to say that like critique from a peer is always like helpful and good , like there are a lot of critiques from peers that are absolutely awful and offensive .

Speaker 2 12:54

I just don't like . Awful and offensive , I just don't like . If you can't give constructive criticism without being an a-hole , then that's a you problem , not a me problem . You know that says more about the person giving the critique than the person receiving it .

Speaker 1 13:15

Yeah , and I think that's a really good point for anyone who is asking anyone to do anything for them , but , in particular , someone with ADHD and RSD . Like , be very intentional about what you do and don't want . And if you don't know what you do and don't want , look for some examples of what you like and what you don't like and then present that to whoever your person is that you're working with in that sort of capacity . Absolutely okay . So I think I already know the answer to this , because you mentioned it earlier . But your weirdest sensory hack now I'm going to share mine and this is new a new sensory hack we've talked about how we talked about last week how noise is like a big trigger for me .

Speaker 1 13:59

But for some reason , gracie gracie has my dog . Gracie has a super squeaker . Looks like a watermelon and it's really it's a super chewer . So it's really thick rubber and it's very hard for me to squeeze , but but I find it hilarious to try to squeeze it because I'm not as strong . Like , her jaw is so much stronger than my hands .

Speaker 1 14:23

It's crazy , but I will like try to squeeze it and like , let my rage go into this one little thing , but it's hard to be raging when you hear this . So it just made me laugh , so it's like a funny sound and it's that like physical exertion of me trying to make it make that sound and for some reason it's just enough to make me cackle and then I can like calm down a little bit , right ? Um , it's just really hard to rage when you hear that ridiculous sound . The other day she's running around her house with it in her mouth and I swear it sounded like a star wars movie with like like it was just so hilarious . Um , but it's just a silly sound , you know . So you mentioned the , the ice pack thing . Yeah , is that your probably your craziest sensory hack ?

Speaker 2 15:14

I think , I think , so I can't really , I can't think of anything else that that I do , that would even , that would even be yeah , that makes sense but yeah , like yeah , just slamming the door and going into the bathroom , with a , with a , with an ice pack . Yeah , like , do you remember how nice , like satisfying , it was to hang up on people ? Yes , you know . Like when you slam the receiver down . Yes , like we don't get that anymore .

Speaker 1 15:45

No like forcefully tap your phone Right , right .

Speaker 2 15:50

Could you even hear ?

Speaker 1 15:50

that Like it doesn't even do anything ? There's no , yeah .

Speaker 2 15:54

Yeah , you're right , I think we're , we're . I think there's pent-up aggression when we can't slam the receiver .

Speaker 1 16:02

yeah I like it . I like it okay . So let's get into some . I like those . Those are some , some things where you just previewed a couple of things I'm talking about , but we're gonna get into some tools to regulate adhd emotions . Um , I'm gonna say this not all tools work regulate ADHD emotions . I'm going to say this not all tools work for all brains . So I'm giving you a menu pick one that makes you go oh yeah , okay , I'd actually try that . So for when you are already spiraling the five second name it game , I'm feeling angry , overwhelmed , sad because , whatever the trigger is . So you are going to say I'm feeling , name the emotion and then say because , and then whatever the trigger is , then you'll say this is my adhd brain , it will pass . So I'm feeling angry because it's too loud in here . This is my adhd brain , it will pass . Bonus points for you if you give your adhd a brain name like Gladys or Glynnis or Bob , I think . I think ADHD brains need a name .

Speaker 2 17:03

I don't have a name for my ADHD brain . I'll have to come up with one .

Speaker 1 17:07

I have also heard of people , like when they're annoyed with their spouse for doing something ridiculous , like they'll say like the ghost did it and they'll . They have a name for the ghost , yes I have heard that kind of like , that yep kind of like that , yeah , yeah .

Speaker 1 17:22

Another one is sensory grounding , which you've kind of mentioned . Um , cold water on the wrists , uh , ice pack on the back of the neck , sour candy or a loud sigh like just a sounds funny , anyway , I don't know so much . All of those things interrupt the spiral . Um , I literally have a like I bought a pound of warheads for this exact reason and they're sitting in a little thing on my kitchen counter where I can go get one anytime I need it for when I'm feeling a little spirally .

Speaker 1 18:00

Okay , you mentioned this kind of thing too , with the slamming of the phone . But I'm going to say angry laundry . Take a ball of socks and throw it . Bonus if you throw it with your non-dominant hand Because it looks I think it looks hilarious . Physical release is better than you know .

Speaker 2 18:24

Yelling at the sock , just pick up the sock and throw it with your other non-dominant yeah a five , four , three , two , one grounding for moms .

Speaker 1 18:31

Five things you can see . I see the sippy cup . I see the laundry pile . I see the lego . Uh , four things you can touch . Here's the counter . Sippy cup . I see the laundry pile . I see the Lego . Four things you can touch . Here's the countertop . It feels nice and cool . The soft hoodie , the diaper that I bundled up in my hand , whatever , it is okay , it distracts your brain mid-spiral . So those are a few things you can try . I'm going to tell you right now . I'm going to encourage you to pause the episode for 15 seconds . Try one of them right now . Do it Like ? Name five things . You can see my coffee stain from this morning . Four things you can touch my sweatpants .

Emotional Menus and Self-Care Strategies

Speaker 2 19:09

They're soft .

Speaker 1 19:10

I like them . It helps . It makes your brain shift gears , try it . So those are already spiraling ones . Here's some for when you feel it coming the oh crap , I feel it coming . Okay , a movement break , a two minute dance party , wall pushups resets your nervous system . I work from home , so I'll go fold laundry or I'll put clothes away , or I'll take the dog outside for five minutes , just anything that kind of gets me out of whatever that environment is that I'm upset about and makes me move my body in some way . And it doesn't have to be you know , it can be a monotonous task . It doesn't have to be one that requires a lot of critical thinking . I'm seeing a lot of these on Instagram and elsewhere , but emotional menus . So these are pre-planned coping tools . So , like when I'm overwhelmed , I will X , y , z text a friend , listen to this song , hug my pet , whatever it is .

Speaker 1 20:07

So like school drop-off or camp drop-off because it's summer , whatever it is . Stress hits . You're going to go . Okay , I'm feeling overwhelmed , I'm feeling stressed , I'm going to chew some gum , blast Lizzo in the car , or Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus or Foo Fighters , fugees , whoever it is , and then you're going to text your ADHD mom friend who gets it a predetermined emoji or GIF . That means you're screaming into the void . I highly recommend this pro tip . If you don't know how to do it , you can Google this . Make it a keyboard shortcut so that you type in like two letters and the thing just pops up and you don't have to do anything else . You don't have to go searching for your favorite one .

Speaker 1 20:48

My , I'm losing it one . I've got a couple , but like the rage , the rage emoji , sometimes the clown emoji . And then I also am a big fan of the wrecking ball , miley Cyrus , and if you can scream sing wrecking ball in the car , I also would yeah , yeah . And if you can scream sing wrecking ball in the car , I also would recommend that . Yeah , yeah , okay . So those are preventative ones for when it's coming and you know you need to get ahead of it . When you're talking about , like , long-term hacks , we're going to do some things to make yourself less explosive for your life . Whatever , it is okay . You're going to externalize the emotion . I , if you need to rant , rant to yourself . I'm a big fan of the shower rant . I win every argument in there just say that now .

Speaker 2 21:35

Yeah , yeah , I am an awesome debater in the shower in the shower .

Speaker 1 21:40

Yeah , um , do that in the laundry room . Get a voice memo , memo going . Whatever you need to do , like rage journal , make your hand into a fist and write with the fist instead of , like your normal handwriting , literally scream into a pillow . Any of those things you need to do to get the emotion out of your body . Probably going to be helpful . Probably going to be helpful .

Speaker 1 22:01

Compassionate self-talk We've talked about this quite a bit , but always need a reminder this is my ADHD . This is not my fault . I am doing my best , right ? And I've started to get to the point now with my family where I'll say , like it is too loud in here , it is not you , it is me . I am feeling overstimulated , I need to leave . You did not do anything wrong and neither did I . It's just how I feel in this moment and I have to escape from it . Reframing that word selfish around self care Remember that self care is not selfish . It is doing what you need to do so that you don't lose it later , right ? So taking those 10 minutes to scream , sing wrecking ball on repeat four times , taking those 10 minutes to scream , sing wrecking ball on repeat four times , it's not extra , it's like neurological first aid . You have to do that sometimes . Okay , miss any Anything of anything I missed or any tips that you like ? I don't think so .

Speaker 2 22:58

I think between yours and mine , we got it . I think so . I think going back and listening to the previous episode we did on mindfulness is a great long term , is a great long term plan because I've noticed that since I started a mindfulness practice , I can like now , instead of me already spiraling , the mindfulness helps me recognize the emotions so that I'm in the like oh crap , I feel it coming and I don't get to the spiral as often as I did in the past .

Speaker 1 23:47

I think that makes a lot of sense . I will make sure that that episode is named here . I don't want to necessarily put a link to it , because I don't know what platform you all listen on , so I'll make sure there's a link to the blog post for that as well , so you guys can find that , and then you can listen on the podcast app you prefer . So your homework for this episode . I don't like to give homework , but I'm giving you homework . Pick one of these tools and pair it with your most predictable trigger . So , if you know that 4pm is when your meds wear off and you're about to doom spiral , set an alarm for like dance party right now , and when you you know , I don't know if traffic sets you off , put like three warheads in the console of your car so that when you start to lose it , you can just grab a warhead , like there is nothing wrong with doing any of those things . But so your homework is to find your trigger and pair it with one of these things that you might want to try , and then I'd love for you to report back . I want to share your wins . If you have any , just tell us and I want to put them in the episode or put them on social . Let's take a break , we'll be right back . Hey y'all . Pov , you find a diary exposing forbidden magic and the hot museum caretaker's life depends on you burning it .

Speaker 1 25:08

Roots and Ink . The debut novel by Ariella Monti is the fantasy romance for rebels . Use promo code CKANDGK to get 20% off your copy at AriellaMonticom . Again , that's all caps

Hyperfixations and Personal Wins

Speaker 1 25:23

C-K-A-N-D-G-K for 20% off on AriellaMontecom . Get your copy for 20% off today and we are back . Hyperfixations I'm sure you have one .

Speaker 2 25:43

Oh , I do . All right , let's hear . It is the outshine . Coconut popsicle bars yeah , are they wrapped in chocolate ? No , these are just like . It's basically just like if they took a coconut , put it in a blender and then froze it and then put it in a blender and then froze it Ooh , yummy , and then put it on a stick yeah , nice Outshine , is that like ?

Speaker 2 26:08

I think you get them at like any grocery store , but they've got like a whole bunch of different fruits and stuff . So my kid , like right before we went to New York , was like I want to try coconut . And you know , my kid has an eating eating disorder .

Speaker 2 26:24

So when he wants to try a food I'm like let's go get a food lion , yeah and we got like a whole bunch of different coconut things and he ended up not liking coconut . But I love coconut and these . It's like I don't know it . I kind of feel like I'm at the beach when I eat it Almost like some kind of like adult beverage .

Speaker 1 26:50

Yeah , Minus the adult part .

Speaker 2 26:53

Yeah , exactly , but it's cold , so it's good not only for the heat , but it would probably be a good thing to have when I'm about to set everything on fire .

Speaker 1 27:05

Yeah , I found that like some sort of frozen something will help , even if it's like sucking on an ice cube , like just that kind of helps with that whole shocking your system kind of thing too . Um , yeah , I'm just right now . What I would really like is like a cold almond joy . It sounds really good . Okay , did I mention that I have a dog ? Because I have a dog , no tell me about your dog .

Speaker 1 27:30

You have a dog . What I have a dog , yeah , I mean so just for the record . Like this is my first , gracie is my first dog . Like I wanted a dog my whole life as a kid and then I moved out and my brother and sisters got a dog and I did not get the dog . So my parents have had dogs but I did not ever get to have one , so I was not happy about that . But I have a dog now .

Speaker 2 28:02

She's mine , mine , she's my baby Bailey is my first dog ever . Like even my parents have never had dogs and I was afraid of dogs for a very , very long time Like well into my 20s . So to even have a dog now is wonderful , and she's often my favorite child .

Speaker 1 28:22

Yeah .

Speaker 2 28:23

She's a good baby , except for when she plays the inside-outside game , then she's my , my favorite child . Yeah , she's a good baby , except for when she plays the inside-outside game , then she is my least favorite child . Oh my gosh .

Speaker 1 28:30

Mine . So just , we're still in that transition period of like shelter dog now coming home , and shelter dogs , depending on when you get them , come with baggage . Mine's six and a half , so she's got some baggage . But she will sometimes cry in the middle of the night and not just cry but like bark , like actively barking at one in the morning . We've gotten a lot better Lots of walks , lots of tennis , fetch and all that stuff to wear her out . And it's summer , so like if she goes on an evening walk it's hot , it wears her out .

Speaker 1 29:04

So we're we're doing all the things , but she is still my hyper fixation , is still really obsessed with my doggo , she's so pretty . Yeah , go look at the blog post for this episode . You'll see a picture . Yeah

Dogs, Doom Piles, and Looking Ahead

Speaker 1 29:16

, did you get anything done finally ?

Speaker 2 29:19

uh , I finally paid a medical bill . Oh nice that they've been like calling me about for a very , very long time . I was talking to my mother about it when I was in New York and I was like , yeah , you know , like the hard part is that I'll get the email for the portal . And then I got to go into the portal and you know , and then like my password , words won't work and blah , blah , blah . And she's like , well , why don't you have them ? Just like mail you the bill ? And I'm like , because then I'm gonna take the paper bill and I'm gonna put it in one of my many doom piles and I'm gonna forget about it anyway . Um , so , so , yeah , I finally paid that , so hopefully I will stop getting calls from wake med yeah I .

Speaker 1 30:10

you just described my task . I finally got done , which is I went through the pile of mail that was ridiculously high . For some reason I ended up with an arkansas tourism magazine , arkansas Tourism Magazine . I don't know , I don't know why I got the Arkansas Tourism Magazine , but I can tell you that it was sitting in that pile of mail and I was like , why is this here ? And it was addressed to me Like what did I sign up for ? Nothing , nothing . I did not ever sign up for anything . This is no shame on Arkansas . I just don't need an Arkansas tourism magazine . That was mine . That I finally did .

Speaker 2 30:51

Yeah , I had to do that once with my therapist where I spent a whole session with my therapist going through a doom pile of mail because it was just so like so overwhelming genius , though , like way to go with the body doubling smart . Yeah , I would absolutely , because then she was also like how are you feeling right now , like especially when you find like I found like a bill , like an ?

Speaker 2 31:17

overdue bill from like two years ago or something . Oh man , you know she then she could like work through the emotions while it was out . I highly recommend if you have a therapist like willing to do something like that with you I mean , I do virtual appointments with her , so it was . It wasn't like I had to bring a shoebox full of mail like to her office and then just dumped it on her floor . Like you know , I can see the value , yeah though yeah , I I .

Speaker 1 31:48

I also think that there's something about like just having something to do with your hands where you can like kind of stay calm and talk about your emotions at the same time I need to just start I need to just have one of those little mini puzzles you talked about and , while I have my therapy session , that sounds like another one of those . I did the bigfoot one .

Speaker 2 32:08

Yeah , those are yeah , the next time , the next time I go into the mail place , I have to get like another one um yeah sounds awesome because they're fun not gonna lie .

Speaker 1 32:19

Yeah , okay , so that was all the the tools we have for helping you with those intense ADHD emotions . Thank you for listening . Next episode , we're going to talk about an ADHD superpower , which I'm so excited about . We're talking about creativity , adhd and creativity , so be sure to subscribe to our show on your favorite podcast app so that you don't miss it . As Jenny would say , say , make good choices and you know . If you need to eat 15 warheads to calm yourself down , no shame , just brush your teeth after , because it's a lot of sugar . No judgment , no judgment . And don't forget to tell us which one of these tools you tried . Yeah , okay , love , you mean it . Bye bye .